Thankfullly, 3/4 of the little people in our house are on the ball with their school work, but of course there is the one, there is always the one - the one that doesn't bring home her school work, the one that the teacher calls about, the one that gets emotional when she actually has to do the work.. you know that one. Perhaps you were that one.
Now, there is the part of me, that hates that it frustrates me - that's the part of me that truly believes school isn't for everyone, that the way it is set up just can't work for some kids - I honestly stand by that and can argue that point very effectively.
Then, there is the part of me that puts high importance on accountability, following through on your commitments and on trying your best, just trying- and I just can't let that go. I'm a bit intense that way.
Whether my children want to be scholars, artists or travellers - those are values that will help them be successful in their choices. Having choices, and the power, resilience and confidence to follow their desires is high on my wishes for my children.
So child X, is sick yesterday, (which she swears has nothing to do with Halloween.) And to give you the background:
- for about five days I have been asking X to bring a note home from her teacher letting me know she is caught up. I have not got that note yet.
- X has not brought home work home in a long time
- I have in the recent past received a phone call from the teacher letting me know that X, who never seems to have homework, is missing almost all assignments
Yesterday, I tell X yesterday, she has a choice to go after school to get her teacher note or to go this morning. She chooses this morning. This morning comes, and she grumpily tells me she can't go - she is too sick. She has no fever, no runny nose, no cough, no bodily fluid escaping, no weird bumps, her color is good. We live a block from the school. I offer to make X some tea, to help her wake up - I am deep breathing, I am trying to be somewhat nurturing. She whines. She won't go.
I realize that discussion is futile and will result only in a fight - I deep breath, I refuse to engage in an argument about it.
So I am going to do it later today - I will take care of her responsibilities. In exchange for me needing to do her responsibilities, as soon as X is better, because X is obviously so sick she can't do it now, she is going to do some extra chores and help me with my responsibilities.
Meanwhile she is to stay in bed all day, other than trips to the loo or for lunch. When the schoolwork arrives X will be also will be ensuring she is caught up on every bit of school work before she has any other life.
Sometimes I am at a loss on how to deal with things, and sometimes I think every-flippin incident is a learning opportunity, which I am sure is sometimes (okay often) very annoying.
What would you have done? I am a mean, mean mom?
Now, there is the part of me, that hates that it frustrates me - that's the part of me that truly believes school isn't for everyone, that the way it is set up just can't work for some kids - I honestly stand by that and can argue that point very effectively.
Then, there is the part of me that puts high importance on accountability, following through on your commitments and on trying your best, just trying- and I just can't let that go. I'm a bit intense that way.
Whether my children want to be scholars, artists or travellers - those are values that will help them be successful in their choices. Having choices, and the power, resilience and confidence to follow their desires is high on my wishes for my children.
So child X, is sick yesterday, (which she swears has nothing to do with Halloween.) And to give you the background:
- for about five days I have been asking X to bring a note home from her teacher letting me know she is caught up. I have not got that note yet.
- X has not brought home work home in a long time
- I have in the recent past received a phone call from the teacher letting me know that X, who never seems to have homework, is missing almost all assignments
Yesterday, I tell X yesterday, she has a choice to go after school to get her teacher note or to go this morning. She chooses this morning. This morning comes, and she grumpily tells me she can't go - she is too sick. She has no fever, no runny nose, no cough, no bodily fluid escaping, no weird bumps, her color is good. We live a block from the school. I offer to make X some tea, to help her wake up - I am deep breathing, I am trying to be somewhat nurturing. She whines. She won't go.
I realize that discussion is futile and will result only in a fight - I deep breath, I refuse to engage in an argument about it.
So I am going to do it later today - I will take care of her responsibilities. In exchange for me needing to do her responsibilities, as soon as X is better, because X is obviously so sick she can't do it now, she is going to do some extra chores and help me with my responsibilities.
Meanwhile she is to stay in bed all day, other than trips to the loo or for lunch. When the schoolwork arrives X will be also will be ensuring she is caught up on every bit of school work before she has any other life.
Sometimes I am at a loss on how to deal with things, and sometimes I think every-flippin incident is a learning opportunity, which I am sure is sometimes (okay often) very annoying.
What would you have done? I am a mean, mean mom?
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Comments
Yes you are... and that's ok... we all are. If we are to raise our kids to be responsible adults who add to the world then, yes we do (often) have to be big, big meanies!! There is a reason they are not classed as adults until they are 18, which means our job is to do what is necessary for them to get there with a set of standards that will ensure they are equipped to function well in life.
(11.03.10 @ 10:00 AM)Not only are you NOT mean, you are reasonable to a fault. I think that if this were happening in my house, all priveleges would be suspended until the responsibilities were back in order and an immediate trip to the school (assuming it's currently school time and not after hours) while overseeing the verbal exchange would be a likely outcome. I would insist on the child being accountable to the teacher for dishonesty and for avoidance of duties. I would expect the child (as you seem to also be doing) to remain on-task with all homework until completed. I would also follow up with a set timeframe of probation. But then again, I AM a mean mom...my kids remind me of that all the time. But I'm really okay with that. I don't need their approval of my parenting decisions so I don't get too disappointed when their approval is the last thing I'm getting from them! A bit of lip, you bet. Pouting? Definitely. I can handle all of that. Sounds like you have a pretty solid plan. You are in a tough spot with it all (given your incredible work ethic and that you pursue excellence in everything you do) and you are doing your best. ♥
(11.03.10 @ 10:01 AM)You are NOT a mean mom! The fact that you have spent so much time mulling things over before getting more firm with her means you are a nice and caring mom who doesn't want to infringe upon their natural development.
However, there is a time when a mom has to step up and growl. Bears do it, ergo, it's natural! You are looking out for her best interests, and she's probably stalling and trying to wiggle out of it so bad because she thinks you will take the bait because you are a NICE MOM :)
(11.03.10 @ 10:14 AM)You are an awesome meanie, keep up the good work!
You have no malicious intent, so you cannot be mean. You *could* be irresponsibly accommodating, but that would be lazy, and that's not you. Variation in IQ accounts for about 25% of the variation in highschool GPA, far more variation in grades, and in the ability to succeed at whatever it is that one wishes to succeed at is determined by Executive Control Skills, the ability to make oneself do when it is time to do, persevere when it is time to persevere, focus when it is time to focus, and switch when it is time to switch. These are skills we learn, hopefully that we even make a project of teaching ourselves. What you are teaching X is more important than the homework; a stitch in time saves nine.
(11.03.10 @ 10:14 AM)Oh the joys Karen. As I said to you in shoppers the other day, we were having the same fight. I think it is wrong to have to ask and ask if their homework is done. Do we assign the homework, no. Do we sit in the classroom and know what is going on completely in that classroom, no. Is it really our fight when our sons and daughters come to us and say treat me like an adult. Well guess what? That is exactly what we do. My X child is now after school everyday to 430, working on homework. there is way too many distractions here at home, especially a new puppy, so when she comes home from school she is relaxed and understanding her work and ready to have some down time. Check with the school if there is a homework club or something at lunch hour where she can go where it is quiet and nurturing. My X is in survival mode when she is at school, and god forbid her putting up her hand and asking for help, not going to happen. In the afterschool program there is 2 EA teachers and one teacher, so 3 that she can ask for help from. Going from a class of 30 some odd students to a huge room with maybe 6 kids in at a time, she is way more confident to ask for help. I have seen a transformation in X and it has only been less than 2 weeks, especially the fighting, the slamming of doors, and me having to do all the punishing. Also there is no comparing her homework to her Z sister, saying you have so much less. That was a biggie in our house as well. I think that we should start a support group for us mothers so we know we are not alone. I urge you to check with the school and if they dont have that program, then have the teacher suggest to you somewhere where she can go. They always have extra help or a quiet space for kids as all children learn so differently. I found that if the teacher is a textbook teacher my X does not do as well as when they are hands on and visually stimulated. I am the same way, the teacher makes all the difference. Karen you are a loving person and I agree that it is not easy, but I tell ya, I am so happy with my X now and want to be around her and we get along way better. Good luck Karen! xoxo
(11.03.10 @ 10:44 AM)